roger unrequited

4. I only had twenty dollars in my pocket.

2006-03-11T12:33:00.000-08:00

I had only twenty dollars in my pocket.
Right there was a restaurant called Thunder Road. I liked that.
"Why don't we go here?" you said.
"Sure," I said.
Inside there was long bar and above it there was the front grille of a Chevrolet sticking out of the wall. Guitars were stuck on the
brick wall on the other side. A Roy Orbison song was playing. I felt good, even though I still felt hot.
A waitress said she was sorry the air conditioner was not working. She seemed upset. She asked if we still wanted a table. You said okay.
We sat by the big glass window.
"It's hot," I said.
"Yeah," you said.
"It's really hot," I said.
The waitress came by, and you ordered an ice coffee. I got a Coke.
"So," you said.
"So," I said.
You did not have your glasses on. Your eyes were bright brown in the light. I was still sweating a lot. You did not look sweaty at all.
"So, you work with Bill. Do you do design?" I said.
"Yes, I'm a graphic designer," you said. "I do children's book collateral designs. That means, ads and catalogues. It's a lot of fun. I really like it. So much fun. Are you a designer too?"
"No," I said. "I do computer stuff."
"Oh, what do you do?" you said.
"I design presentation graphics and multmedia," I said.
"Where do you work?" you said.
"Well," I said.
"Oh," you said.
"Well," I said. "I worked at Stern-Beardsley, you know, the big stocks company. I worked in their marketing department doing presentation graphics and multmedia. But they outsourced the department to another company."
"Oh," you said. "So you don't have a job?"
"Well," I said.
The waitress came with our drinks and asked for our orders. I had not looked at the menu. The waitress stood there. I felt like having a cheeseburger deluxe but the cheeseburger deluxe was ten dollars. But I thought you would get a salad and the salad was eight bucks. Maybe I should not have gotten the Coke.
I told the waitress I would get a burger.
"Deluxe?" she said.
"No, just the burger," I said.
You said you would have a cheeseburger deluxe. Well done.
"So," I said.
"So," you said.
I told you how I was looking for a full-time job but that in the meantime I was taking jobs from an employment agency.
"What kind of jobs?" you said.
"Office stuff," I said.
"Web design?" you said.
"Office stuff," I said.
We both looked out the window. I could feel my shirt sticking to my back. Outside a homeless man was sitting on the street. His eyes were wide open, and he looked kind of lost.
"So where are you from?" I said.
"Oh. A little town upstate called Willoughby. The kind of town where everybody knows everybody," you said.
"That's nice," I said.
"I guess so," you said.
"So where did you go to school," I said.
"SVA," you said.
"SVA?" I said.
"School of Visual Arts," you said.
"Oh yeah," I said.
By the time the waitress came I was really hungry. I finished my burger fast. It was a good burger. But I looked up and saw that you had only eaten half of yours and had not touched your french fries. I think you caught me looking at your fries.
"Have some fries," you said.
Your fries were delicious.
Then you ordered a second ice coffee. I knew I did not have enough money to cover that. I tried not to think about that. Your hair was shiny in the light from the window.
At 1:55, you said, "It's two o'clock. I better get back to work."
"Yeah," I said.
And just then the waitress came by and put the check on the table and before I could ask if they took credit cards, you put a ten dollar bill on the table. I felt a hurt in my chest though when you did that. But it was a good hurt. I took money out of my pocket and realized I only had seventeen dollars and fifty cents. But that was enough to cover the rest of the bill. Those ice coffees were pricey. I would have liked to say it was my treat. Maybe next time.
"Do you want to do this again?" I said.
"Sure," you said.
"How about next week?" I said.
"Sure," you said.
"Want to have dinner?" I said.
"Lunch is good," you said.
And then we made plans to have lunch on Tuesday.
"Bye," you said at the corner and left.
"Bye," I said and stood there. I would have sung a song for you then, but I cannot sing. Besides, I was in public.

Next: I was watching TV when my friends called me.

3. I knew I had to call you soon.

2006-02-24T15:15:00.000-08:00

I knew I had to call you soon. I was afraid you would forget me. So I got your number from Bill. He told me not to breathe heavy and to speak up. I asked him about what you liked. He said you liked movies, he thought. I like movies, I thought. He also said you liked music. I took two showers the morning before I called you. Then I took a nap. I made myself a sandwich and ate half of it, then I picked up the phone for the thirteenth time. It was your voicemail.
"Hello, you've reached the voicemail of Jennifer Meadows. I am sorry I missed your call. Leave me a message and I will get call you back. Cheers."
I hung up. I thought the "Cheers" part was really nice, although I wondered if they minded that at work.
I ate the rest of my sandwich, although I don't think I enjoyed it. Then I thought about taking another shower. But then it was three o'clock and I thought you would be leaving work soon. And it was already a Tuesday, and I thought I should ask you out earlier in the week. Because your schedule might get full.
I dialed the number again.
"Hello, Jennifer Meadows," you said.
"Jenny," I said.
"Yes," you said.
"Hi. This is Roger. Bill's friend," I said.
"Roger," you said.
"We met at the Bowling Bar last week. Thursday," I said.
"Hi," you said.
"Well, I know we didn't get to talk much," I said, "but I was thinking maybe we could have lunch, maybe, and maybe get to talk some more."
"Sure," you said.
"Sure?" I said.
"Sure," you said.
We made a plan to have lunch that Thursday. I would call you in the morning, and we would pick a place near your job.
"See you Thursday," you said.
"See you Thursday," I said.
When I hung up the phone I was so excited I had to take another shower.

* * *
I was in the middle of a nap later when I got a call. It was from the employment agency. They had a job for me for the next day and maybe the day after that. It was a filing job. I knew how to file. I had done it before.
The job was in Brooklyn. It took me an hour to get there. The subway took a long time and a man there with a drum said to believe in Jesus. He said this very loud. And played his drum very loud. I could not read my newspaper anyway because the lady in front of me was reading hers, and she had a big newspaper. She was sneezing and wheezing, too. I thought about my date with you.
When I got a lady took me to the conference room. The table was covered in files. She took a pile of them and walked me to a line of file cabinets.
"These go here," she said. "File by number. Not by name. Okay. File by number. Not by name."
They let me have lunch at two o'clock. I was very hungry. There was an Italian deli nearby. I got a big sandwich. It was a good sandwich.
Halfway through eating it I realized that meant I only had twenty dollars to my name. Still, it was a good sandwich. I ate it with a cream soda.
I kept filing and thinking, thinking and filing. By five o'clock a little more than half the table was done. The lady said they would need me for tomorrow. I asked her if I could do it Friday.
She said it had to get done tomorrow.
I told her I could not make it.
She seemed upset.
I told her I was sorry.
She told me to stay until six and she would sign my card and then she left.
If I came in the next day I would be too far from the City. Do you know what I mean?

* * *
On Thursday morning I got up early and took a shower. I did not have any more cool shirts to wear. The only nice one I had was a long-sleeved white shirt with buttons on the color. But it was a heavy shirt. And the weatherman said it would be 80 degrees that day. And sometimes I sweat a lot. But when I put the shirt on, I thought I looked good.
I had to resist taking another shower before I left. Because I did not want to be late.
I had to meet you near your job.You smiled when I walked up. My back was soaked in sweat but I don't think you saw that.
"Hello, Roger," you said.
"Hello, Jenny," I said, and I went to shake your hand. You shook my hand and then I realized mine was wet with sweat.
Next: I only had twenty dollars in my pocket.

2. I was born in New Jersey.

2006-02-16T09:05:00.000-08:00

I was born in a small town in New Jersey, remember?
People think New Jersey is full of chemicals and factories. Where I grew up we had a park, and the park had trees. But bad kids used to hang out behind the trees. So I would just go home.
I would come home from school, and there would be Mom on the couch watching TV, and I would walk in and go brrrr, it's cold. I would ask if there was any hot chocolate, and she would tell me to fix myself a sandwich. And I would, and we would sit and watch Days of Our Lives, but I never understood it. Then I would go upstairs.
I have two brothers (Tim and Joe) and three sisters (Anne, Kelly, and Karli). They are all much older than me.
On the nights when my Dad came home, I would go watch TV with him in the garage. He had a small color TV set there, and even though it was cold, brrr, it was nice to do something with him. We would watch hockey. He did not like to talk during the games, so I never understood them. He only talked when he wanted me to get him a sandwich. Later, my friend Joss told me about hockey. Joss is a nice guy.
Joss and I used to like these two girls in high school. The girls were from Vietnam. One was named Hlee and the other was Brenda. We would try to sit close to them during lunch. One day Joss talked to them about karate movies, and they laughed at him. They said they did not know karate. But we all became friends anyway. Both girls had dark hair and wore glasses. Hlee had brown eyes, and Brenda had a slow one. Brenda could put her tongue up her left nostril, but not the right one. I thought she was nice. But I think they liked Joss better. But then his father was sent to a prison in Texas, and his family had to move down there. So then it was just me and the girls at lunch. I missed Joss. But this was nice.
One time Brenda's parents were away, and she invited me over. Hlee was there, too. We listened to music. They started dancing. I was afraid to dance and just scratched my head. Then Brenda said she wanted to take a nap. Then Hlee said she wanted to take a nap too. So we all went upstairs. The girls got on the bed and told me to sleep in between them. Hlee spooned me from behind, and I spooned Brenda. It was nice, and I fell asleep right away. I woke up later by myself. They were watching TV downstairs and told me I had to go home. And then summer vacation came. And in the fall I found out they had transferred to different schools.
Grandpa John is one who told me about baseball. He hated the Yankees. He painted a picture of Lou Gehrig on the trunk of a tree. It was a detailed picture, and you could see the green of the Yankee's eyes. Grandpa John should have been an artist. He would sit in his rocking chair and when he reached the outer part of his rocking he would fling his Bowie knife at Lou Gehrig's face and say, "Fuck the Yankees." Mom used to not let me go outside when he did that. She said, "Roger, stay inside. Grandpa John's got his Bowie knife out. Go fix yourself a sandwich or something." I learned not to like the Yankees.

Next: I knew I had to call you soon.

1. I don't mean to hurt your feelings.

2006-02-15T19:08:00.000-08:00

I don't mean to hurt your feelings but remember about 10 years ago that summer afternoon when I came by with flowers to surprise you, and while I sat on your futon you called that guy and made a date for that night? That made me feel kinda weird.
I went home and wrote you a long letter. But I decided not to send it. Then a few days later I got a letter from you. You said, "I want someone who is ready." I guess that musician guy is ready.
I bought a six pack. I drank two beers. I was going to call Bill. I was going to call Leonard. But I just listened to that Joni Mitchell song you used to sing on your guitar. Then I had another beer. Then I tried to go to sleep. Then I got up and took a shower. Then I had another beer. Then I wrote you another letter. This letter was nicer than the last one. It was a long letter about you and me. And then I went to sleep.

* * *
I guess I met you two summers before that. I was in the waiting room at Bill's office. I was waiting to have lunch with him. I didn't have a job so I had time. But he was taking a long time, so I was just sitting there. They had nice magazines. And then you walked in. You wore glasses. You were really skinny. You had short brown hair. It was a special moment. I thought that as you walked past me. Bill came out, and he said hi to you.
He and I went to lunch. I'm not sure what we ate. It might have been sandwiches. I asked him who you were.
"What girl?" he said.
"The one you said hi to in the office," I said.
"What she look like?" he said.
"She wore glasses. She was really skinny. She had short brown hair," I said.
"Jenny," he said.
Your name was Jenny.
He asked me if I liked you. He said he thought you were too skinny.
I told him I liked you.
"Do you want to meet her?" he said.
I can't describe the pounding of my heart. It beat so strong.
"Meet her?" I said.
I could not believe at that moment that this was even a possibility.
"Yeah, I'll tell her you saw her and liked her and want to meet her. No problem. I'm your friend. I'll hook you up," he said.
"Wow," I said.
Bill is a good friend.
Two days later he told me he talked to you. He said he told you I had seen you in the waiting room.
"Did she see me?" I said.
"No, she doesn't remember seeing you," he said. But he said we'd be hanging out at this bar at 75th Street that Thursday night after work.
I can't describe the pounding of my heart. It beat so strong.

* * *
I took a long shower Thursday afternoon. It relaxed me. I wore a shirt that I thought looked cool. It was iridescent green, kind of. I took the train from Queens and got there right on time. The place was called the Bowling Bar. It was crowded. A sign said they served these drinks called The Strike, and there was a picture of one. Everyone in the place seemed to be drinking one. I ordered one. It was very sweet but strong.
Bill showed up with Leonard from his office. Leonard is a nice guy. Bill said you were on your way. The guys ordered beers.
We found a small booth in the back. The table had lots of names carved into it. My drink was very strong but I was not getting drunk.
And then you walked in.
You weren't wearing glasses. This made me more nervous. You were with two girls and you said hi quickly and walked to the booth next to us. There were walls between the booths, so I could not see what you all were doing.
Bill said, "Are you going to talk to her?"
I said I needed another Strike first. So I got up to get one. The guys did not want to try one.
I guess a Strike is like a frozen juice drink with liquor in it. Maybe they use raspberries. There were a lot of people by the bar, and it took a while for me to get the bartender's attention. He wore a black bowling shirt, and his shirt said his name was Mitch. It had a bowling pin on it, too. Mitch was a tall guy with big arms. In fact, most of the guys there were tall and had big arms. There were lots of pretty girls there, too, and they were laughing a lot. I thought then that I looked silly in my green shirt, and that I probably looked silly in my glasses, too.
I took a big sip on the straw of my new drink.
I sat back down at the booth with Bill and Leonard. They wanted to know when I was going to talk to you. I said all in good time. It sure did not help that you and your friends were in the next booth behind the wall.
The guys started to talk about work. They both worked together in the same office. I did not have a job. I listened to them talk. They were complaining about their boss.
After a while Bill said, "You want to go over and talk to her. Let's go over. I'll go with you."
I was not sure.
Leonard said, "We'll all go."
So we took our drinks and got up and walked over to the next booth. You and your two girlfriends were sitting there. There was no room for us to sit down.
Bill started talking to them about work. Leonard complained about their boss.
I was standing near you but I did not know what to say. I tried to be brave. You had big brown eyes.
You were looking at Bill and Leonard talking. Then I said, "Have you tried a Strike? They pretty good." That is what I said.
You turned to me and said, "No, I'm having a beer." You raised your Corona up at me. I nodded. Then you went back to listening to Bill and Leonard. I did too.
We stood there for a while, and then I went to get another Strike. It took a while because Mitch was busy. I got my drink and sat down in the empty booth and looked at the names on the table. I wondered how old the table was and what had happened to the people who had carved their names there. Was Tito still number one? Were "Gary + Ginger" still together?
The guys came back to the table.
"Where'd you go, man?" Bill said.
Leonard said that you and your friends were leaving. You had a show to go to.
You came by and went by our table and said bye and I said, "It was nice meeting you," to you, but I don't think you heard it because the music was too loud.
Bill said I should have talked to you. I told him I didn't know what to say.
I asked him if you had said anything about me. He said no. But he said I should ask you out.
Maybe it was the drinks that gave me the courage. But I said yes I would.

Next: I was born in New Jersey.